You’re traveling alone, and it’s getting a little dull. You don’t know how much longer you can sit at cafés, hoping it’s not obvious that you’re eavesdropping on everyone around you instead of reading the book in front of you. You want to go out, but you don’t really love the odds of going to a club by yourself and not being accosted by yet another weird dude who likes to get really close to your face without a courtesy breath mint. So now you’re just laying in bed, scrolling through Twitter. You have no idea what to do and you’re wasting all this time that could have been spent exploring a new place. Then, as if it were a gift from God Herself, you see the video that you didn’t know you needed — Marie Benoliel, a French YouTuber, crashing the Chanel show at Paris Fashion Week.
Why you never thought of doing something similar is beyond you. Maybe your friends would have held you back from crashing the most exclusive events in the world; but now that you’re alone, no one can stop you. And no one will. Here’s a list of how to break into the most exclusive and elite places in the world.
1. area 51
This one should be pretty easy; you have all those memes from this past summer to help you out. The only point of concern is that the memes’ plans revolve around a large, nearly invincible, group of people Naruto running toward the base, but you only have yourself. Literally not a problem whatsoever. What you do is Naruto run toward one (1) of the soldiers guarding one of the entrances of the military base (if there is more than one soldier guarding each entrance, choose the entrance with the least amount of guards — no one can stop your Naruto run.) You overtake the soldier(s), and don one of their uniforms, allowing easy access into one of the government’s biggest secrets. Now it’s too easy — you have all the freedom to go and investigate. So, go, take a look around before you go to liberate the aliens. Maybe the aliens will be your friends and can travel with you next time.
2. met gala
This one is straight out of Benoliel’s book, but you’re just jazzing it up a bit by going for the biggest fashion event of the year. That’s right, you’re going for the MET Gala. This should be totally fine, I mean your invite from Anna just got lost in the mail, so you’re invited technically, you just don’t have the proof. Anna and her co-chairs will understand why you must do what you’re about to do. What’s the theme? Who cares? You have an inflatable car guy costume you’ve been meaning to show off, and what better place to display your amazing style than at the MET Gala? Besides, if you show up right next to Lady Gaga, people will just assume you’re a part of her look. Unfortunately, no Lyft will take you to the MET today, so you have to walk from your hotel all the way down there (which really defeats the purpose of surprising everyone with your look.) By the time you get to the gala, they’re rolling up the pink carpet, but the doors aren’t closed yet! You run to the doors, muttering to security something about being part of the entertainment, and you enter the gala! You could have stayed longer than the five minutes you did, but Rihanna complained too much about you eating the caviar — hey, you worked up an appetite walking all the way to the event, it only made sense you gobbled down five servings of those amazing fish eggs.
3. Buckingham Palace
This one couldn’t be easier if you tried. You already know the palace like the back of your hand. Now, all you have to do is dye your hair blond, wear a delightfully risque black dress, and storm up to the guards, demanding to be let in. You’re Princess Diana’s long-lost child, after all! That’s right, she was further along than anyone thought when her car crashed. So far along that, when she was discreetly shuttled to a hospital, she was able to give birth to you before she eventually succumbed to her injuries. The guards, bored out of their minds from not being able to laugh or feel any joy, bring you in to see Queen Elizabeth. Once you step foot in the palace, however, you go to the bathroom, and sneak through the vents to the other side of the palace to do some exploring. Unfortunately, Prince George sees you and immediately rats you out, knowing you’re not a long-lost cousin of his. The Royal Family was not amused by this stunt, but, hey, just because you’re permanently banned from flying to the UK doesn’t mean you didn’t have some fun while you were there.
4. North Korea
This one might be a bit trickier, but you’re not one to back down from a challenge. Besides, it’s either North Korea or your busted motel in who-knows-where, Mississippi. Why are you even in Mississippi? Anyway, you’re bored and need to leave. What better place to go than North Korea? You quickly get your plan together and realize it’ll take all of your stealth to really carry it out — because, you have to be Dennis Rodman. Yes, of Chicago Bulls and Kim Jung Un's BFF fame. You print out a picture of the legend and begin writing a letter (because of course D-Rod would send his bestie a letter on his own face.) All the letter says is, “Yo, Kimmy! I’m pulling through. Please send a jet to Mississippi. Love, Dennis Rodman.” You send it off and wait. The next day, a jet lands right outside your motel. You tell the pilot that you’re Dennis Rodman, you just aren’t feeling like yourself today, and that’s why you look a bit different. God, you’re good, but more importantly, you’re in. You buckle up and sleep until you land in North Korea. Once there, you disembark; but, right when your feet touch the floor, Kim realizes you’re not his best buddy. Remember that stealth you knew you’d need? It kicks in — you push the pilot out of the jet, run to the control system and take off. Kim and his soldiers are so impressed by how utterly BAD ASS that was, that they just stare slack-jawed at the receding helicopter instead of going for the missiles. You did it. You just broke into North Korea.
5 Ways to Break Into
the Coolest Places
By Modesty Sanchez
5. harry styles' house
Where the hell does Harry Styles live? You’ve literally done it all — liberated aliens, got tattled on by Prince George, showed Anna Wintour your inflatable car guy costume, and even impressed Kim Jung Un with your badassery — but you can’t seem to figure out where this sexy man lives! He just sold his L.A. mansion, and you see that he just bought a house in London, but you’re banned from the U.K. (re: Prince George tattling.) You’re pacing back and forth thinking about where he might be staying during his tour, when suddenly there’s a flashing green light with an accompanying melodious voice. You look and it’s Harry Styles himself stepping out of a rip in the air.
“‘Ello there, love. I heard about your adventures, and wanted to say ‘ello.”
“Harry, where did you come from?”
“Oh, just a portal to my house — the astral plane.” That makes so much more sense than him living in London. “Would you like to come with me, love? It’d be brilliant innit.”
You obviously do. As you follow him through the portal, holding his hand, you know you’re doing it, the ultimate break-in. All your previous break-ins were preparing you for this moment because, right this moment, you are breaking into the astral plane.